A Love Letter to my friends

Dearest friends,

I love you for accepting me the way that I am. For allowing me to change & grow but not labeling me or putting me into a static box. You respect me & the hard choices I make. You treat me with respect, answer when I call, come when I need, aren't afraid to expect the same from me.

I love you. I love the ways you trust me. The truths you tell me. For calling me on my bullshit & reminding me when I'm staring at the line just how far I am from it. For loving me when I call you on your bullshit. For helping me to be honest to myself.

I love you for believing in me & supporting me in every imaginable way. Regardless of the situation, you help me process, to see all sides. You listen to me & tell me what you think & give me the freedom to make my own mistakes while still supporting me as myself.

The support you've given in the last few months has been immeasurable. You've kept me sane, kept me here, kept me in one solid piece. Without you...(insert ridiculously sappy Rent lyrics here)

For singing songs beside the graves, for touch, for understanding, for compassion, for talks til 0400 that never seem to end and yet have just begun, for laughter, for tears, for warming me better than a hot tub, for cooling better than the cold side of the pillow.

Thank you.

I've been writing that for weeks now - I feel it is as ready as it can be - of course - there is sooo much more.

Sweet lord...

Scares me oodles. Seriously everyday the world gets a lil more scifiscarelicious - though i've stopped chanting 1918 for a while.

Peace in the Valley...

This is how I feel tonight - thank you Alabama 3 - if you can tell me the underlying message of this song - there is a prize in it for you.

"For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in,
To know its insanity, really know it,
Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately,
The thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are,
Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane,
Your ace in your hole,
The psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you,
Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror,
Whatever you fuck your brain with, whatever that is,
Whatever that is,
It's a lie,
It's a lie."

She spends too much time with herself every night
Just fooling around with her fears.
In the morning she mourns the decline of her mind
Drowning in a bottle of beer.
It's too dangerous just to think about what she might have been
If she'd sung for salvation, if she'd danced on her dreams.

But there's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight she's gonna blow it all away
Lord, she feels so twisted, She ain't ever gonna fix it,
She's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

An' he don't know if he's a communist, a hedonist or a whore
Spent too much time ridin' on a white line to find the door
An' if he did and he opened it, he'd find those letters in the hall
But he's too blind to read between the lines
'Cos the writing's on the wall.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight he's gonna blow it all away
Lord, he feels so twisted, he ain't ever gonna fix it,
He's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Let that light shine awhile,
Grand old oprie lights are on, Hank Williams on the juke box, we all comin' home tonight.
I'll tell you dear...)

I got Ecstasy, but I need some company
You got that mystery; Lord I need a plan
All I got is a compromise and a bag full of alibis
Lord, as empty as the bottle of whiskey in my shaking hands.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight we're gonna blow it all away
Lord we feel so twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(One more time for the people)

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight, we're gonna blow it all away
You know we feel so fuckin' twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Now's the time for you to get right and repent)

Oh yeah.

So much & yet so little

DiFranco was sick - he is getting better. Had to have 8 teeth removed. We are waiting on results from thyroid tests. He has one more day of pain meds left - I've been daily updating on the FB. Pic is over a year old - he's lost about 1/2 the weight-but structurally still a big kitty. He's on a prescription diet to regain some of the weight & shows signs of a returning appetite.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. Fretting over too much out of my control. Trying to control what little i think I can. I can't find my chai - it is kinda making me crazy. That & the grow light for Dagon & the bamboo - so far they are ok - but I can't seem to find it.

Oh here I am

Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

Happy Devil's Night

On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

O freakin K

Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

Am ok for now

Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

Updates:

Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Update

My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.